Grasp cat firmly in your arms.
Cradle its head on your elbow, just as if you were giving baby a
bottle. Coo confidently, "Thats a nice kitty." Drop pill
into its mouth.
Retrieve cat from top of lamp and
pill from under sofa.
Follow same procedure as in 1, but
hold cat's front paws down with left hand and back paws down with
elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger.
Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new
pill from bottle. (Resist impulse to get new cat.)
Again proceed as in 1, except when
you have cat firmly cradled in bottle-feeding position, sit down on
edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over
your left elbow, open cat's mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop
the pill in - quickly. Since your head is down by your knees, you
won't be able to see what you're doing. That's just as well.
Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave
pill in your hair.
If you're a woman, have a good cry.
If you're a man, have a good cry.
Now pull yourself together. Who's
the boss here anyway? Retrieve cat and pill. Assuming position 1,
say sternly, "Who's the boss here, anyway?" Open cat's
mouth, take pill and...Oooops!
This isn't working, is it? Collapse
and think. Aha! Those flashing claws are causing the chaos.
Crawl to linen closet. Drag back
large beach towel. Spread towel on floor.
Retrieve cat from kitchen counter
and pill from potted plant.
Spread cat on towel near one end
with its head over long edge.
Flatten cat's front and back legs
over its stomach. (Resist impulse to flatten cat.)
Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time
and tabbies wait for no man-or woman.
Resume position 1. Rotate your left
hand to cat's head. Press its mouth at the jaw hinges like opening
the petals of a snapdragon.
Drop pill into cat's mouth and poke
gently. Voila! It's done.
Vacuum up loose fur (cat's). Apply
bandages to wounds (yours).